Tag: Christian

Honest Thoughts on/Helps for SD

Dark clouds over the green countryside

“Let’s Groove” by Earth, Wind, and Fire is jamming.
Before you think I’m really cool, maybe I should say that my introduction and main reference point for this song is the movie Kronk’s New Groove. 
Still cool?

I’m a little “feelingsy” tonight.

So I jammed to music in the kitchen while making chocolate-covered raisins. The sweet little turds are now in the freezer, setting.

I’m feeling said emotionssss because of a few things, partly due to SD (Spasmodic Dysphonia, which you can read more about in my earlier blogs or through the actual medical community.)

For whatever reason, speaking is harder today. If you have SD, your definition of “harder” might be different than mine. For me, it usually means that the muscle spasms in my vocal chords are so intense that my stomach is bloaty and uncomfortable as a result of the spasms messing up my breath control, etc.

The physical pain isn’t awful; it’s the emotional toll that hits me harder.
When I find myself unable to express myself vocally like I want to, it’s weirdly personal and guilt-inducing. It’s frustrating, yes, but it cuts deeper than an annoyance. Maybe it’s my personality, but it cuts into my soul when I feel like I’m not giving someone physical and vocal cues that help them interpret my meaning.
In simpler words, I don’t like feeling misunderstood, because it makes me feel like I’m not myself.

These are the feelings that the devil thrives on. 

The farther down the sinister path of lies I walk down, the more excited the devil gets. If he can get me to hate myself, the further away from God’s truth, light, love, and power I am.

A decision must be made.

Do I lean into the tempting lies of self-hatred, defeat, and shame?

Or do I see those and run straight to my heavenly Father, who’s waiting for me with arms spread open in the safest embrace?

 

 

In my life group this week, we talked about the importance of noticing things like “triggers” and taking those captive to God, inviting Him into that and letting Him shift our perspective as a result.

When I invite God into that “I hate that I can’t express myself”–>”I hate my voice”–>”I hate–“, I suddenly feel not alone. The scary loneliness isn’t as intimidating when I’m safe at my Father’s side.
And not just that. I’m standing in the strong shadow of my Father’s wings. He’s got me. I have no reason to fear. He knows what’s going on–I don’t have to open my mouth and forge through the pain to explain it to Him; I can just be, submitting the fears and lies to Him. That’s the BEST place for them to be–in His strong, just, forgiving hands.

When I invite Him into that darkness, I remember that He has a plan for me.
Since I’m a Christian, I stand on His Word, which tells me that He’s going to work it all out for my good. (Romans 8:28)

. . .

It’s not easy.

But when I remember that I’m not doing it alone, that I’m here for God, and that He’s way big enough to work this out for my good…it’s richer.

And when the “mountaintop” experience comes after the valley, I’ll see it in a brighter light.

The more valleys we walk through with God, the more beautiful the mountains will be. And, while we’re on that mountain, we can praise Him with all that’s in us, remembering where we were and where we are now, thanks to Him. And, when we’re in another valley, we can remember what happened when we invited Him into it last time.

 

Another cool thing that comes from trials is that we can see ourselves grow. I love that God created us to be ever-learning and growing. That’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? Because our Creator is infinitely creative and intelligent, life is an endless adventure of growing and stretching.

Today, as I was noticing the extra bad spasms in my throat, God gently reminded me of how I’ve grown: “Hey, when these first started, that wouldn’t have been your response. You’ve grown! Did you notice?”
He’s the best encourager. ❤ Thank You for being an intentional, loving Father!

 

SO.

Some helps (with SD or your fill-in-the-blank burden):

  1. Talk to God
    Matthew 5:5-15
    When you feel like you’re about to explode, pause. Talk to God. Be real. He can handle it. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling, and surrender it to Him.
  2. JOURNAL
    It helps me SO much. I can express what I’m feeling without using what’s hurting my body: my voice.
  3. Have a dance party
    Turn up the fun, uplifting music!
    Having that physical positive distraction can be really freeing and therapeutic for me!
    (Pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve given this advice, and it probs won’t be the last.) 
  4. Give yourself grace
    Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t do. Like I said, that’s probably the hardest part of SD for me. Whether it’s with acting or just regular communication, SD can really get in the way, and that burden can easily weigh on me.
    For me, taking a beat and allowing myself to not respond, to not initiate conversation, and to be free with that hard decision makes a huge difference. That may not work in every situation, but if I’m talking with someone I’m really comfortable with, I can just motion to my throat and they know that I’m needing to revert to non-vocal communication. That can feel like defeat–I know–so ask God to help you see it as something beautiful. When you are weak, then you are strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10
  5. Remember: We’re not here for us
    I know I said that before, but it’s worth mentioning again. It kinda takes the drive to strive and master all the things off my plate; the pressure’s off.
    Reminding myself of Psalm 37:4 is HUGE for me. Try it ❤
  6. Play a game
    Self-explantorily good, bro.
  7. Watch a funny video
    Some of my favs:
    Trey Kennedy’s That Friend that does Wayyy Too Much
    John Crist’s Pyramid Scheme University
    Studio C’s Nintendo video
    Tim Hawkins’ My Favorite Bible Verse
    John Crist’s Millennial International
    Nate Bargatze’s Netflix Special, The Tennessee Kid
  8. Worship
    Turn on “Waymaker“, “Awesome“, or whatever gets you in that worshipful posture and attitude, and let go. God sees you.
  9. Stay connected
    Get rid of anything in your mind that says you aren’t allowed to reach out for help. This is honestly a really hard one sometimes, so please rest in the fact that you’re not alone in not wanting to do this.

 

. . .

In an effort to tie up the beginning and end, I’m now eating the chocolate-covered raisins. And now “Jump (For My Love)” is playing. Wow, I guess it’s 80s night. I’ll take it. 🙂

. . .

I’m relatively new to SD. What helps you? I want to learn from your experience!

 

“It’s better heated up!”

IMG_6200

If I had $5 for every time my mom has passionately interrupted my caveman-like focus on eating a cold chicken nugget after work–“It’s better warmed up” spoken with a passive-aggressive smile, through clenched teeth, as she nudges past me to the fridge–and I’ve rolled my eyes or groaned in response…

…I’d be quite rich.

giphy

 

I was thinking about that today, as I journaled about my future husband.
(If PSLs–that’s pumpkin spice lattes to non-millennials–with UGGs and scarves are the epitome of a basic white girl, then journaling about your future husband, adding in an ankle-length skirt for good measure–is the epitome of a basic Christian homeschooler girl.)

I’ve entered that season where pretty much every peer I know is either engaged or married (I’m exaggerating, but sometimes it does feel that way).

It’s great for them, and I hope their marriages are truly blessed! But it’s also like, “Hey, I’m just sitting on this bean bag chair eating peanut butter pretzels and listening to Single Ladies…just put a RING ON IT,” too.

I might feel ready. And I might see a guy who might not meet the necessary standards (for me, loving and following Jesus) but has a couple really cool qualities, and I might feel tempted to settle. But it’s like God’s standing next to me, holding open the microwave door, shaking His head at my settling-ness. He knows just how much better the man He has for me is (but not that He doesn’t love the one I might consider settling for), so watching me give little pieces of my heart away to others is just sad. (A little eye-roll-y, too, I bet.)

Every time I let my desire for marriage get to a point where I’m emotionally giving away those little heart chunks to guys who just don’t need it, that’s one less whole part of me that I’m offering to my future man.

Pause. There’s a whole message about saving yourself for your spouse in here that I’m not really going to hit on today. Just know that, as Christians, we serve a God of grace and truth, who loves us more than anyone. If you’ve done things–or things have been done to you (and there’s a world of difference there)–that you feel make you less “whole” or less worthy, just know that God doesn’t love you any less for that, and you are no less of a person. Just begin again, confessing to Him (if needed–see “world of difference” above), covered in His grace, today.

 

This floated around Facebook a while back. Think what you will about the physical depiction of Jesus…it still impacted me.

jesus-teddy-bear-675x381.jpg

I thought about how, the more I’m like, “Okay, God! Go ahead and bring that man to me now, por favor,” and then I feel my heart start to settle for someone who doesn’t hit the main future hub goal, the more I miss the better gift God has for me. And, to clarify, sometimes that “better gift” doesn’t look like something that I think I want or even need. But, news flash, God knows and loves us better than we do ourselves, and I’m incredibly thankful for that.

Also, waiting (not just romantically; in so many aspects of life) is a gift: waiting on the reply, the post-graduation job, the [insert your scenario here]. It totally doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but, hey, we’re learning to embrace and learn from it, aren’t we?

 

So, back to the metaphor-type thing from before.

Those cold chicken nuggets are edible, yes. (This metaphor is kinda eww now.)

But, when I wait 20 seconds for the microwave to heat them up, they’re loads better. (My mom is screaming in victory.)

My okay-ness with settling for the lesser nugget is laughable and not a little embarrassing. Thankfully, someone who lived a LOTTA years before me struggled with that first.

Back in Genesis 25, there were two brothers who knew a couple things about food.
One–Esau, the older–knew it would satisfy his outta-control hunger pains.
The other–Jacob, the younger–knew Esau’s hunger pains would overshadow the older’s common sense…or lack thereof? (But also, being hangry is a THING.)

The moment Esau got home from a hard day’s work, he wanted sustenance PRONTO.

And, in that moment, Jacob wanted a really big thing from Esau, but he figured he probably couldn’t get it unless he outsmarted (and majorly manipulated) his older brother.

SO, Chef Jacob made some “red stew” (sounds tempting, amiright? I’m guessing the author of Genesis 25 wasn’t a menu-writer…but I’m just spit-balling here), knowing that Esau would be SO stinkin’ hungry that he’d do anything to get that stew.

Honestly, this story is so dramatic. But, like I said, hangry-ness is real. You thought that was a 21st century term. Oh, no–it’s pretty much biblical.

What happen next? Jacob asks Esau for the thing–Esau’s birthright–and Esau (did I mention drama?) says, “Look, I am about to die. What good is the birthright to me?”

So Esau gives Jacob his birthright in exchange for the ole stew.

 

Once again, this is kind of an “Ew” metaphor, but my thing is, I’ve been convicted to put a better guard on my heart for my future dude. Those chicken nuggets just shouldn’t be the satisfier of my hunger when I’m seconds away from making them exponentially more tasty. (Still ew, I know.)

 

I’m not sure how to end this, so I’ll just do so in the very most cheesiest way, just for funsies.

Wait for your nugget. He’s better warm.

 

(I’m dying)
laughing

 

 

Some good nuggets (oh, nuggets of truth *cringe*):

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

…we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:2-4

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

 

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
-Ephesians 3:20-21

 

 

Happy waiting!

*Cue simultaneous playing of “We’re All in this Together” and “Single Ladies”*