Tag: quinnterested

Honest Thoughts on/Helps for SD

Dark clouds over the green countryside

“Let’s Groove” by Earth, Wind, and Fire is jamming.
Before you think I’m really cool, maybe I should say that my introduction and main reference point for this song is the movie Kronk’s New Groove. 
Still cool?

I’m a little “feelingsy” tonight.

So I jammed to music in the kitchen while making chocolate-covered raisins. The sweet little turds are now in the freezer, setting.

I’m feeling said emotionssss because of a few things, partly due to SD (Spasmodic Dysphonia, which you can read more about in my earlier blogs or through the actual medical community.)

For whatever reason, speaking is harder today. If you have SD, your definition of “harder” might be different than mine. For me, it usually means that the muscle spasms in my vocal chords are so intense that my stomach is bloaty and uncomfortable as a result of the spasms messing up my breath control, etc.

The physical pain isn’t awful; it’s the emotional toll that hits me harder.
When I find myself unable to express myself vocally like I want to, it’s weirdly personal and guilt-inducing. It’s frustrating, yes, but it cuts deeper than an annoyance. Maybe it’s my personality, but it cuts into my soul when I feel like I’m not giving someone physical and vocal cues that help them interpret my meaning.
In simpler words, I don’t like feeling misunderstood, because it makes me feel like I’m not myself.

These are the feelings that the devil thrives on. 

The farther down the sinister path of lies I walk down, the more excited the devil gets. If he can get me to hate myself, the further away from God’s truth, light, love, and power I am.

A decision must be made.

Do I lean into the tempting lies of self-hatred, defeat, and shame?

Or do I see those and run straight to my heavenly Father, who’s waiting for me with arms spread open in the safest embrace?

 

 

In my life group this week, we talked about the importance of noticing things like “triggers” and taking those captive to God, inviting Him into that and letting Him shift our perspective as a result.

When I invite God into that “I hate that I can’t express myself”–>”I hate my voice”–>”I hate–“, I suddenly feel not alone. The scary loneliness isn’t as intimidating when I’m safe at my Father’s side.
And not just that. I’m standing in the strong shadow of my Father’s wings. He’s got me. I have no reason to fear. He knows what’s going on–I don’t have to open my mouth and forge through the pain to explain it to Him; I can just be, submitting the fears and lies to Him. That’s the BEST place for them to be–in His strong, just, forgiving hands.

When I invite Him into that darkness, I remember that He has a plan for me.
Since I’m a Christian, I stand on His Word, which tells me that He’s going to work it all out for my good. (Romans 8:28)

. . .

It’s not easy.

But when I remember that I’m not doing it alone, that I’m here for God, and that He’s way big enough to work this out for my good…it’s richer.

And when the “mountaintop” experience comes after the valley, I’ll see it in a brighter light.

The more valleys we walk through with God, the more beautiful the mountains will be. And, while we’re on that mountain, we can praise Him with all that’s in us, remembering where we were and where we are now, thanks to Him. And, when we’re in another valley, we can remember what happened when we invited Him into it last time.

 

Another cool thing that comes from trials is that we can see ourselves grow. I love that God created us to be ever-learning and growing. That’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? Because our Creator is infinitely creative and intelligent, life is an endless adventure of growing and stretching.

Today, as I was noticing the extra bad spasms in my throat, God gently reminded me of how I’ve grown: “Hey, when these first started, that wouldn’t have been your response. You’ve grown! Did you notice?”
He’s the best encourager. ❤ Thank You for being an intentional, loving Father!

 

SO.

Some helps (with SD or your fill-in-the-blank burden):

  1. Talk to God
    Matthew 5:5-15
    When you feel like you’re about to explode, pause. Talk to God. Be real. He can handle it. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling, and surrender it to Him.
  2. JOURNAL
    It helps me SO much. I can express what I’m feeling without using what’s hurting my body: my voice.
  3. Have a dance party
    Turn up the fun, uplifting music!
    Having that physical positive distraction can be really freeing and therapeutic for me!
    (Pretty sure this isn’t the first time I’ve given this advice, and it probs won’t be the last.) 
  4. Give yourself grace
    Don’t beat yourself up for what you can’t do. Like I said, that’s probably the hardest part of SD for me. Whether it’s with acting or just regular communication, SD can really get in the way, and that burden can easily weigh on me.
    For me, taking a beat and allowing myself to not respond, to not initiate conversation, and to be free with that hard decision makes a huge difference. That may not work in every situation, but if I’m talking with someone I’m really comfortable with, I can just motion to my throat and they know that I’m needing to revert to non-vocal communication. That can feel like defeat–I know–so ask God to help you see it as something beautiful. When you are weak, then you are strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10
  5. Remember: We’re not here for us
    I know I said that before, but it’s worth mentioning again. It kinda takes the drive to strive and master all the things off my plate; the pressure’s off.
    Reminding myself of Psalm 37:4 is HUGE for me. Try it ❤
  6. Play a game
    Self-explantorily good, bro.
  7. Watch a funny video
    Some of my favs:
    Trey Kennedy’s That Friend that does Wayyy Too Much
    John Crist’s Pyramid Scheme University
    Studio C’s Nintendo video
    Tim Hawkins’ My Favorite Bible Verse
    John Crist’s Millennial International
    Nate Bargatze’s Netflix Special, The Tennessee Kid
  8. Worship
    Turn on “Waymaker“, “Awesome“, or whatever gets you in that worshipful posture and attitude, and let go. God sees you.
  9. Stay connected
    Get rid of anything in your mind that says you aren’t allowed to reach out for help. This is honestly a really hard one sometimes, so please rest in the fact that you’re not alone in not wanting to do this.

 

. . .

In an effort to tie up the beginning and end, I’m now eating the chocolate-covered raisins. And now “Jump (For My Love)” is playing. Wow, I guess it’s 80s night. I’ll take it. 🙂

. . .

I’m relatively new to SD. What helps you? I want to learn from your experience!

 

Be the Koala: Quarantine Musings

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It started as another dreary day.

The clouds were unflinching and bleak, the temperature mild.

Debbie Allen’s Instagram live salsa class was about to start, and I had my oversized Smartwater and speaker ready.

And then, the sun came out.

And I realized (for not the first time that day) that the scheduling of just about every plan I have right now takes second place to sunshine time, aka being outside and getting vitamin d.

Thankfully (in a way), Ms. Allen’s class wasn’t streaming well on my phone, and I was antsy to get outside anyway, so I skipped her generous offer of a free dance class and practically bolted out our back door.

Outside, seemingly everyone in the neighborhood—whole semi-chaotic families to focused, single joggers—was out to drink in the sweet sunlight, too.

During an *interesting* time of trying to do cardio on the uneven grass (and mud) below our deck, I started noticing the trees behind me.

We’ve lived in this house since I was in middle school, and those trees have, as a result, grown quite a bit since then.

Semi-side note: I love a good climbing tree. And I love tree climbing. And, when you pair those two together, something very Bridge to Terabithia crossed with (a non-violent) The Hunger Games stirs in my soul.

Climbing trees is just a lovely, magical activity to me.

But, as a (young-ish) adult, it’s just…not something I do a lot?
But, let me tell you. That *interesting* dance cardio session proved more useful than I thought, because it gave me a new angle through which to see our backyard trees, and I had an epiphany: They turned into a couple of serious climbing trees, tall, thick, and steady.

So, when that workout ended, you better believe that I was READY to climb those trees.

I did my scoping out, searching for a generously-spaced patch of ‘Point A’ climbing space with minimal obnoxious mini-branches. Then I got set in my initial footing and took off.

How freeing. How fun! Just me and the tall tree, whispering to me to, safely, climb a little higher.

(For the tree’s sake, I feel like I should clarify that it wasn’t whispering with evil intent. It wanted me to be safe.
“Whispering” can kinda go both ways, from sweet and tender to super creepy…and when you add in that the person speaking in that way is no person at all but a tree, that just makes it all the worse.)

(Also, is it worth me clarifying that I don’t actually think trees can speak? #themoreyouknow)

 

I reached my peak.

I’d gotten about level with the deck door (about 15 feet off the ground, maybe?).
Not very high, really, but I was surprised to see how far I’d gotten.

I was also surprised at the subtle fear of heights that suddenly tried to sneak in my mind.

In general, yes, I’ve had anxiety about heights before. But, from ~15 feet up in a tree? It seemed a little silly.

 

So, I did what any normal 20*AHEM*-something person would do.
I straddled the tree like a koala.

Because, logic.
And normalcy.

 

And then God got me thinking, as I sat with my arms and legs wrapped comfortably around the tree trunk that stood smack dab in front of my whole body.

Yes, it was a wee bit scary being high up in a tree. But I trusted its steadiness; I wasn’t worried about it being

weak or

hollow or

fake. 

That trunk was strong. And, the closer I got to its root, the safer I felt.

Climbing higher and higher was a step of faith for me. The air seemed different up there (Miss Overdramatic), and the trunk seemed to sway just the slightest bit (which, as you can imagine, was really cute. #not).

Yet, when I wrapped myself around that tree trunk, I felt like I was clinging to something strong and steady.

Something a little like my Heavenly Father.

 

This quarantine time is flat-out crazy and scary for many.

I’m so thankful I have my Savior to cling to. God and His truth (the root, I think, if we’re sticking to that analogy) never change. They are 100% reliable. They are literally the only thing I can trust with my entire soul and being to be infallible, because I know that, as a Christian, everything that happens to me God will use for my good. That’s a promise that I believe He will keep.

So, as I journey on this thing called life and navigate these specific things called Coronavirus, social distancing, and now quarantine, I want to climb up wisely, clinging like a koala to the Truth and the love of my (unlike higher up in a tree) totally unwavering Father.

 

The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
He is their stronghold in times of trouble.
Psalm 37:39

 

I hope you feel God with you today. He loves you. Ask to feel/notice His presence today.

As His children, we are never truly alone, quarantined or not.

 

Cling to Him. Be a koala.

 

 

 

p.s. Did you spot koala-me in the tree? (yay rhymes)

7 Things about My SD Experience & BONUS responses!

 

First off:

If you haven’t yet, please check out
UPDATE: I have abductor spasmodic dysphonia (whattheheck is that?)

Then read this 🙂

 

In short:
Ab-SD (abductor spasmodic dysphonia) is a neurological disorder that affects your vocal chords that I started developing about 2 years ago and was diagnosed with in December. It sometimes makes “regular” communication extremely challenging & physically and emotionally exhausting.

 

 

 

7 Things about My Experience with SD:

  1. I don’t always know how/when to tell people about Ab-SD.

    The thing about my SD is, it’s not always super noticeable. As a result, if I’m not having regular (verbal) conversations with you, particularly in quiet settings (where it’s often worse), you may not have noticed it. And, if I think you haven’t noticed it, I probably haven’t told you. Getting the disorder in my young adulthood, rather than being born with it, has its own unique set of questions and such, and I don’t want to necessarily let having Ab-SD become a defining part of my identity. Therefore, “To tell or not to tell?” often remains.

    And, unlike a more obvious health “difference,” like a cast on a broken arm or hearing aid for a deaf ear, SD doesn’t have a visual clue. And, because certain words are easier for me to say, without having major vocal chord spasms, than others, my brain has kinda re-programmed itself to be my personal mobile thesaurus, subbing in easier-to-say words for the ones that’d come most naturally to me but cause spasms. SO, you may not notice, but I usually do. My mind is busy with it’s new thesaurus business and I sometimes try to appear as if I’m unsure or lost in thought as a stalling method while retrieving the alternate word.

    All that to say, SD is still new to me, and I’m still learning how to communicate and avoid any misunderstanding.

  2. Listen, don’t fix. 

    This is one I write with a grimace. Because I’ve been that person. And probably still accidentally will be again. The one who hasn’t experienced the fill-in-the-blank hardship you’re going through but wants to make it better. And, with good intentions, I minimize what you’re going through.

    If you don’t know what I’m going through, you don’t have to say, “I totally get it,” or “I know exactly how you feel.” Because, honestly, you don’t. If you have allergies…those seem to be really rough, annoying, and sometimes debilitating, BUT, allergies and SD are just two different avocados, so I (and my blessed lack of allergies) can’t truly relate to you, and vice versa. And, in my unrelatability, I need to learn how to express sympathy and empathy without saying I’ve gone through what you’ve gone through, when I haven’t. Comforting someone doesn’t mean having to know exactly what they’re experiencing. Jesus does. Leave that to Him. You can just be with them, listen to them, and encourage them.

    I was at a party last night and had the honor of talking with a family who illustrated this beautifully. They inspired me to be more like them. When I told them about my SD, they just genuinely listened. And they said, “I’m sorry.” And when I tried to minimize it, saying it wasn’t as bad as fill-in-the-blank, they actually stopped me. They reminded me that this is a part of my story, and that, frankly, it’s one of the hardest things I’ve gone through so far. Basically, we’re all gonna have our “thing”, so let’s just be Jesus to each other.

    Each person has their own story. Our job, particularly as disciples of Christ, is to listen and love. 

    Also, I hesitate to include this, but careful listening/hearing is so helpful when I’m communicating with you. If you heard me the first time, or figured out what I said after thinking for a sec, that just takes a load off of me. I know that’s not exactly the easiest thing to ask, which is why I barely added this part, but because this is about me being real and trying to bring awareness for this SD community, I’m including it anyway. I can’t expect everyone (for sure incl. myself) to have perfect hearing, but I do want you to know that a carefully listening ear is a blessingggg.

    Note: I’m not asking you to pretend you understood me when you actually had no idea what I said. Ask me again–it’s ok 🙂 (Also, how many times have I done this? In the last week? A.LOT. #hypocrisyisathing)

  3. Spasms are fairly unpredictable.

    Thus, we could be talking, and I’ve decided to revert to whispering to ease my tightened/stressed stomach from the affects of the spasming or to just not talk altogether. And yet, the next moment, my talking could be nearly perfect. I’m not trying to gyp you out of a quality conversation…that’s just how it goes sometimes, and I wish I could totally explain that.

    In my experience with SD, loud settings where I’m one of many sounds/voices tends to relieve the spasms and allow me to talk more comfortably. On the other hand, if we’re having a one-on-one in a quiet house, I’m probably struggling more. As a result, I’m extra into having music (classical/Christian/etc.) on in the background of quiet locations to help ease any anticipated spasms and resulting chest/stomach uncomfortableness.

    If you have SD, I’d love to hear if you’ve experienced something similar.

  4. I want to talk to you.

    Know that, if I’m quiet around you, there’s a pretty good chance I want to/feel like I should be talking to you, but, to protect my stomach and chest from very uncomfortable and unhealthy-feeling pain that comes from pushing through vocal spasms, I’m not talking. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to listen to you and nod along! I just may not be giving you verbal reactions to your story (i.e: “Mmm” “Wow” “Huh”), because nodding is SO much easier, but there’s a pretty good chance I’m up for listening if you’re up for my nods. 🙂

  5. I’m still learning.

    Like I said, I’ve had Ab-SD for about 2 years. Since my initial SD post, I’ve been blessed to connect with other SD-ers who’ve had it far longer than me. (See below for quotes from them.)
    I’m new to this, I’m still figuring out how to operate with it, and I’m still learning about it. If you know about it, teach me! 🙂

  6. Pray for healing!

    As I said in my initial post, SD doesn’t have a permanent medical cure. However, I 100% believe God can completely heal me of the SD, if He chooses. He may not, and, if that’s the case, I know it’s for my good and for His glory. (Romans 8:28)
    But, please still pray for a miracle! I’ve seen and experienced them before, and I believe God is QUITE capable of pulling off another one.

  7. It’s changed my life.

    I don’t think I’m the same today as I was three years ago. And we could all say that. And that’s, in general, a good thing. As humans, we’re meant to grow. As children of God, too, we’re given the opportunity to experience life to the fullest. (John 10:10)
    But, because of the sin in this fallen world, sometimes that means we experience really crappy stuff. And the devil wants to use that to break us. But God wants to use that to make us stronger.

    As a wise Bible study friend once said, experiencing the valley makes the mountain so much better. And so, we secure our armor of God (Ephesians 6) on a little tighter in the “valley” seasons and keep on fighting the good fight, all for God’s glory, trusting that we’ll be at the top of the mountain in His perfect timing.

Not only that, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4

 

Yes, this season is hard for me. But I also see glimmers of hope around me. I know (and am continuing to “learn”) my God. I’ve seen His power. If we’re created in His image, then the people around me have shown me a little taste of the massive, unmatched beauty, intelligence, and wonder of my God.

I am in His hands. The hands that are fully capable of working a miracle and defeating this neurological disorder, in the Name of the resurrected Jesus. (Mark 16)

I miss acting. A lot. But I trust God more. And, when that’s hard to say with confidence, then I want to trust God more.

Ultimately, I’m here for Him. What He wants me to do, He can do through me, with His strength.
Because…

God doesn’t call the equipped — he equips the called.*

 

I’m planning a separate post about the many things I have to be grateful for with SD, namely the INCREDIBLE community God has put in my life–PARENTS, dear friends, home group loves, and more, I’m looking at you.

For now, thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

I want to end this with BONUS responses from a couple of SD-ers I’ve been blessed to connect with since my last SD post:

 

Heather shared: ‘”It’s always best to not make a general assumption that we are “sick” or contagious. It ISN’T always appropriate to comment on someone’s health or to suggest people “feel better” or “take care of themselves.”‘

 

Milad shared: “Sometimes I get very sad about having SD, but still I have got many valuable achievments in my life. It is true that I cannot speak properly and my voice is different from others, but still I can teach people a lot…I can speak English, German, Persian, and Arabic, but only with my unique voice.”

If you have SD, want do you want the world to know? Comment below!

 

 

 

 

 

*Author may be Rick Yancey, but sources were unsure 

“It’s better heated up!”

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If I had $5 for every time my mom has passionately interrupted my caveman-like focus on eating a cold chicken nugget after work–“It’s better warmed up” spoken with a passive-aggressive smile, through clenched teeth, as she nudges past me to the fridge–and I’ve rolled my eyes or groaned in response…

…I’d be quite rich.

giphy

 

I was thinking about that today, as I journaled about my future husband.
(If PSLs–that’s pumpkin spice lattes to non-millennials–with UGGs and scarves are the epitome of a basic white girl, then journaling about your future husband, adding in an ankle-length skirt for good measure–is the epitome of a basic Christian homeschooler girl.)

I’ve entered that season where pretty much every peer I know is either engaged or married (I’m exaggerating, but sometimes it does feel that way).

It’s great for them, and I hope their marriages are truly blessed! But it’s also like, “Hey, I’m just sitting on this bean bag chair eating peanut butter pretzels and listening to Single Ladies…just put a RING ON IT,” too.

I might feel ready. And I might see a guy who might not meet the necessary standards (for me, loving and following Jesus) but has a couple really cool qualities, and I might feel tempted to settle. But it’s like God’s standing next to me, holding open the microwave door, shaking His head at my settling-ness. He knows just how much better the man He has for me is (but not that He doesn’t love the one I might consider settling for), so watching me give little pieces of my heart away to others is just sad. (A little eye-roll-y, too, I bet.)

Every time I let my desire for marriage get to a point where I’m emotionally giving away those little heart chunks to guys who just don’t need it, that’s one less whole part of me that I’m offering to my future man.

Pause. There’s a whole message about saving yourself for your spouse in here that I’m not really going to hit on today. Just know that, as Christians, we serve a God of grace and truth, who loves us more than anyone. If you’ve done things–or things have been done to you (and there’s a world of difference there)–that you feel make you less “whole” or less worthy, just know that God doesn’t love you any less for that, and you are no less of a person. Just begin again, confessing to Him (if needed–see “world of difference” above), covered in His grace, today.

 

This floated around Facebook a while back. Think what you will about the physical depiction of Jesus…it still impacted me.

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I thought about how, the more I’m like, “Okay, God! Go ahead and bring that man to me now, por favor,” and then I feel my heart start to settle for someone who doesn’t hit the main future hub goal, the more I miss the better gift God has for me. And, to clarify, sometimes that “better gift” doesn’t look like something that I think I want or even need. But, news flash, God knows and loves us better than we do ourselves, and I’m incredibly thankful for that.

Also, waiting (not just romantically; in so many aspects of life) is a gift: waiting on the reply, the post-graduation job, the [insert your scenario here]. It totally doesn’t feel that way sometimes, but, hey, we’re learning to embrace and learn from it, aren’t we?

 

So, back to the metaphor-type thing from before.

Those cold chicken nuggets are edible, yes. (This metaphor is kinda eww now.)

But, when I wait 20 seconds for the microwave to heat them up, they’re loads better. (My mom is screaming in victory.)

My okay-ness with settling for the lesser nugget is laughable and not a little embarrassing. Thankfully, someone who lived a LOTTA years before me struggled with that first.

Back in Genesis 25, there were two brothers who knew a couple things about food.
One–Esau, the older–knew it would satisfy his outta-control hunger pains.
The other–Jacob, the younger–knew Esau’s hunger pains would overshadow the older’s common sense…or lack thereof? (But also, being hangry is a THING.)

The moment Esau got home from a hard day’s work, he wanted sustenance PRONTO.

And, in that moment, Jacob wanted a really big thing from Esau, but he figured he probably couldn’t get it unless he outsmarted (and majorly manipulated) his older brother.

SO, Chef Jacob made some “red stew” (sounds tempting, amiright? I’m guessing the author of Genesis 25 wasn’t a menu-writer…but I’m just spit-balling here), knowing that Esau would be SO stinkin’ hungry that he’d do anything to get that stew.

Honestly, this story is so dramatic. But, like I said, hangry-ness is real. You thought that was a 21st century term. Oh, no–it’s pretty much biblical.

What happen next? Jacob asks Esau for the thing–Esau’s birthright–and Esau (did I mention drama?) says, “Look, I am about to die. What good is the birthright to me?”

So Esau gives Jacob his birthright in exchange for the ole stew.

 

Once again, this is kind of an “Ew” metaphor, but my thing is, I’ve been convicted to put a better guard on my heart for my future dude. Those chicken nuggets just shouldn’t be the satisfier of my hunger when I’m seconds away from making them exponentially more tasty. (Still ew, I know.)

 

I’m not sure how to end this, so I’ll just do so in the very most cheesiest way, just for funsies.

Wait for your nugget. He’s better warm.

 

(I’m dying)
laughing

 

 

Some good nuggets (oh, nuggets of truth *cringe*):

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

…we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:2-4

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Romans 12:12

 

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
-Ephesians 3:20-21

 

 

Happy waiting!

*Cue simultaneous playing of “We’re All in this Together” and “Single Ladies”*

 

Alive on Purpose

Little girl walking expressively

This can go two ways.

 

The first way:

If you’re breathing today, you’re alive on purpose. Not of your own accord, but because of the Creator of the world who’s put breath in y-o-u.

V. cool.

His timing is perfect, He loves you, and you’re not a mistake. Trust the God who made you.
(In all seriousness, that’s much easier said than done most of the time, and I’m not trying to belittle tough circumstances. Just sharing reminders of truth in the midst.)

 

The second way:

My relationship with Ecclesiastes (relationship’s a strong word for a book I read ~once/a few times a year) is…interesting. There are some parts, like the one below, where I’m like, “Yes yes yes yes.”

There are other parts where an eye roll doesn’t quite do it.

In heaven, if people are recognizable, Solomon (author o’ Ecclesiastes) may not be the first author whose book signing line I’m in.

Gif of Gene Wilder

BUT. Read the below verse, and then we’ll chat.

So I commend the enjoyment of life, because nothing is better for a man under the sun than to eat and drink and be glad. Then joy will accompany him in his work all the days of the life God has given him under the sun.

Ecclesiastes 8:15

This may not be the greatest pre-game inspirational speech by any means.

But, when I’m feeling defeated about “not doing enough,” or I’m nearing graduation and if I get asked one more, “So what do you want to do with your life,” I’ll possibly sneeze viciously on them (what?), verse 15 kind of throws a strong hand out in front of me, guarding me from running through life too fast or too stressed.

 

When was the last time you ate and drank with someone, no phone in arm’s reach, no “Only five more minutes until this is overrrrr“?

 

For me, the answer would be, not nearly enough.

 

However, there was a recent night where a few very dear friends and I took a low-quality pic of a fun and food-filled evening that was so, so needed.

It was us simply meeting up, shopping for food that we’re blessed to be able to splurge on for spontaneous occasions like this, and rejoicing in quality time with quality food.
(Food–specifically food that I can eat–is one of my love languages, I’ve decided.)

Friends posing with food

I’m thankful to have friends that go on spontaneous Sprouts runs for an exorbitant amount of “healthy” junk food with me. I think that’s a gift from our good Giver of perfect gifts. (James 1:17)

 

 

If we’re alive on purpose, then let’s live on purpose.

Joy is too precious a gift to miss, to not fully embrace.

 

I need this reminder. If you do, too, then yay! If not, share it with someone who does. Life is too sacred not to.

 

Go live! Jesus loves us!

UPDATE: I have abductor spasmodic dysphonia (whattheheck is that?)

 

 

Let me start by saying this:

One major reason I’m writing this is to raise awareness for the disorder I have. I hope this helps other people with this disorder (and maybe other similar disorders) to feel more known and understood.
(I’ve met one person who has this disorder, and our meeting was digital, not in-person.)
The main reason I’m writing this: I feel led to. If God chooses to heal this “incurable” disorder, like I believe He can, then a few more people will know about it, see a miracle, and only be able to explain it by proclaiming that they really did witness a miracle.

 

Basically, I want to stomp on the devil.
I don’t think he wants me to raise up a community of people who have (and don’t have) this disorder.
Nor does he want me to be healed from it.

Here’s my response: 1 John 4:4.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.

 

That doesn’t mean a miracle will happen, but I believe it can happen.

Either way, I want to give glory to God.
That’s what this is about.

 

. . .

 

I’ve been staring at this screen, chin on my fist…not writing. I wasn’t sure quite what words (if any) would come.

But, we got that out, so we’ve gotten somewhere.

I still don’t know quite how to start this, though, so I’m going to start and see where the Holy Spirit leads from there.

 

. . .

 

The Basics:

My Story: Just under two years ago, I started showing symptoms of Abductor Spasmodic Dysphonia (Ab-SD). I was finally diagnosed with Ab-SD in December 2018.

 

What Is Ab-SD? Basically, it’s a neurological disorder that causes your vocal chords to spasm when you try to speak certain sounds/letter combinations.

 

It’s Rare: According to NIDCD (National Institute on Deafness and other Communication Disorders), about 1 to 4 in every 100,000 people have Spasmodic Dysphonia.

In that group,  ~90% of people diagnosed with SD have aDductor spasmodic dysphonia, rather than what I have: aBductor.

And in that group (~90% of 4 in 100,000 people), most SD-ers get diagnosed around age 30-50. Not age 22.

All that to say, I’m a bit unusual. (My friends are reading this, nodding profusely. Yeah…we knew that much faaaaar before December 2018.) 🙂

 

ADductor vs. ABductor:
Adductor: Spasms in muscles that close vocal folds, which interrupt speech and cause strained or strangled voice breaks.

Abductor: Spasms in muscles that open vocal folds, which interrupt speech and cause breathy or soundless voice breaks.

(Definitions from The Voice Foundation)

 

The Cause: Some say it’s trauma/stress-induced, but there’s no one ultimate reason for developing SD.

 

A Cure?
Medically: None.
Botox is recommended as a possible, temporary cure.
Voice therapy is recommended, not to fix the SD, but to teach you to talk in a different register/in a way that’s less-affected by SD.

. . .

 

That’s the flyover view. If you’re an enneagram 5 and you’re like “Gimme ALL the info” (or you’re otherwise hungry for more details & science-y talk), here’s a good reference for Abductor Spasmodic Dysphonia.

 

Disclaimer #1: As you read above, I’ve officially known I have this disorder for less than a year. A lot of SD-ers have had this for far longer than me, and their experiences are undoubtedly varied from mine. SO, I’m not pretending to know everything. This is just this baby-SD-er’s experience.

I’m trusting God to help me explain this better than I can on my own, just being truthful about where I’m at in my short journey with this disorder.

Disclaimer #2: Countless people have disorders, diseases, abilities, etc. that are drastically and immeasurably more life-changing, tragic, and really just more awful, than this.
I’m not here to compare my disorder to any other. My goal is to talk about SD. I simply want to give you a transparent heads up on where I’m at right now, in this “season” of Ab-SD.

. . .

 

 

Zooming In:

It’s changed my life. You may not know it, especially if you don’t talk to me much. Some moments, particularly when I’m in a loud, public setting where lots of people are talking and the attention isn’t all on me, it can be hardly noticeable. That’s a blessing.
Other times, sometimes when it’s a one-on-one, calm setting where conversation is pretty relaxed, every other word is a very uncomfortable struggle.

Painful? Thankfully, Ab-SD isn’t something that hurts all the time. It generally doesn’t cause physical pain in me except when speaking is especially hard and the struggle for breath control (and the resulting unnatural loss of breath from the spasms) bloats my stomach and generally strains my body.

Does it get worse? Also thankfully, SD isn’t known to develop into anything worse. PRAISE. JESUS.

 

 

The Deep Dive:

I, as a Quinn (what Annie F Downs would say as “For me, as an Annie”), focus a lot (too much) on what people perceive, both about me and others. As a result, I behave in a way that watches for and responds to the reactions of those I’m communicating with. This is pretty natural for most people, so I know I’m not exactly explaining rocket science here. However, as an actor and as someone who’s fascinated by psychology and human interaction, having a problem with communicating might hit me a little harder.

When I started experiencing Ab-SD “symptoms” (I don’t like that word “symptoms” rn…too medical-y), the way I felt I was being perceived in communication changed. Not a gigantic change, but a small, grinding change that may rarely leave my mind during a conversation.
Why? Because, when my body anticipates that a certain word/sentence I want to speak will induce unwelcome spasming, my brain has trained itself to know what sounds/letter-combos trigger the spasming. As a result, I sometimes wait for my throat to catch up to the speed of the words & thoughts forming in my head. Because of that, I sometimes make it appear as if I’m lost in thought or can’t think of a word. But, pretty often, I’m actually just waiting for my vocal chords to be ready to say the word with less spasming than if I’d said it a few moments earlier/with different words.

Acting: As an actor and communication student, I focus a lot on the impact and importance of communication through vocal intonations, pitch, and other fancy, subtle things. (Communication really is a fascinating art.)
When you have Ab-SD, though, your control of manipulating the way your words are perceived through the social norms/communication hints (intonation, pitch, etc.) is pretty much gone. With Ab-SD, speaking in a higher pitch (for me, at least), is easier, so I sometimes speak that way, whether the emotion and meaning behind what I’m saying quite matches that or not.

As a result, I haven’t auditioned/submitted for many speaking roles since I’ve gotten this disorder. To be honest, I really miss acting. Some days more than others. It’s a passion I sometimes took for granted. It’s a beautiful passion that God has used in so many precious open doors to film and theatre jobs that I’m insanely thankful for.

Clear Communication: This thing has taken a rather heavy toll on me. I love truth. I really value honesty. And knowing that my ability to communicate clearly, through social norms of subtle vocal communication techniques, is compromised due to this disorder that I have little control over is incredibly frustrating for me. I feel like I’m not capable of showing my true self, or that I’m being perceived to be different than I truly am. Transparency feels like it can only go so far when I can’t speak with the natural timing that I spoke with before SD.

There’s a weird shame in that, that sneaks out from the shadows and creeps into your mind, taunting you with lies of low self-worth and deception.

In short, it sucks. It sucks immeasurably less than a thousand other things people I know and people I don’t know have to deal with,

But, it’s where I’m at, and sometimes it really, really sucks.

 

But, I also know that…

1) God is using this for my good

2) God’s not done with me yet. I’m still breathing. He just might use me in a way that’s different than I expected.

 

And I recently got to a place where, with God’s help, I’m starting to thank Him for this. It’s honestly taken a while for me to actually say that, but He’s with me in that. And I’m really, really blessed by that.

 

What You Can Do For SD-ers:

This sounds kind of selfish, but I also think that, if the “shoe were on the other foot” (so cliche…not to mention uncomfortable-sounding), I’d want to know what I should expect and how I could help. We don’t all have every disorder/illness, PRAISE THE LORD, so we sometimes simply can’t know what to do until someone who understands it tells us!

I’ll be posting soon about that, so keep an eye out. (Eep, sorry to keep you in suspense like that…*grins sheepishly but also smugly ifthatispossible*)

For now, I ask for your prayers. That’s a big ask, but I’d be SO grateful. Please pray for healing, but also for God to use me and this, too.
Thank you ❤

. . .

 

Thank you for listening. I feel kinda weird and kinda selfish, but I also think I’m supposed to do this, so…thanks for reading it.
And thank you to the amazing people in my life who have encouraged me to do this, knowingly or not. God uses you, and I’m really thankful for that!

Soli deo gloria.

 

 

Stay tuned. Miracles might be just around the corner, for you and me.

They may not look like what we’re expecting, but let’s not pretend to know more about miracles than the Miracle Worker.

 

 

 

I’m just gonna end this with a prayer.

God, You are perfect, holy, and the definition of awesome. Thank You for promising to work everything for the good of those who love You, who have been called according to Your purpose. (Romans 8:28) Thank You for wisely letting us experience life-changing roadblocks that allow us to see You and the world, and even ourselves, in a fuller, more beautiful way that we ever could’ve before. Thank You for being the One who knows us better than anyone else ever will. That’s so, so cool, God. You’re the best Best Friend anyone could ask for. You’re awesome. Please bless every person who reads this, and please use this–the SD and these words–for Your glory. Amen.

 

 

You’re here for a reason, and Jesus sees you. Right now.

You’re not alone.

Be blessed!

 

 

 

Side Note: Writing has been a therapeutic gift from my Creator. Journaling is…MMM…thank You, GOD! When I feel like no one really understands me, sometimes including myself, I can turn to the One who actually made me, the One who knows me better than anyone EVER could, and loves me because of & despite that, and that’s one of the greatest gifts of all. Sometimes it doesn’t immediately make me feel better, but it does soothe my aching soul.

About Me

Hi, friend!

I’m Quinn, and this is stuff I’m interested in.

Topics may vary from Jesus & gluten-free donuts to acting, the beach & aioli. Quinnterested is a place for me to think “out loud” about a bunch o’ interesting things. Soli Deo Gloria!

…I find quite a lot of things interesting, so prepare for a possibly wide range of blog topics 🙂

⇓ Here are some of my favorite things ⇓

*Jesus

*The Bible

*People

*The entertainment industry & its impact on the world (love/hate relationship)

*Large apples

*Aioli

*Any nut butters

*Food…apparently

*Reading inspiring, thought-provoking books, like Karen Kingsbury’s Angels Walking or Trenton Lee Stewart’s The Mysterious Benedict Society (it’s been one of my favorite books since I first stumbled upon it in middle school, and I’m not taking away it’s spot on my mental list of favorite books any time soon)

*When harmony + melody mesh together in a vibrant, seamless symphony

*Writing (bet ya couldn’t tell that from the last line)

*Laughter: pure, unadulterated giggles and full-blown belly laughs, the silent ab workouts and the snorts

*Theatre (when a moment is SO magically moving that your eyes water)

*Investing in ma small humans/world-changers …and lots more.

 

Dream Big: A Chat w/ Karissa Wheeler

Dream

This week’s interviewee is Karissa Wheeler.

How do I start to introduce Karissa?

When I think about our friendship, I kind of have to laugh at how weird and cool God is. Karissa and I met at a callback almost 10 years, and have been friends pretty much since then. But we’ve only hung out in-person a handful of times! It just cracks me up how a dear sister-in-Christ and digital pen-pal can be someone I spend so little in-person time with!

There’s so much I could say about Karissa:
She’s a talented, driven actress and singer.
She just graduated Magna Cum Laude from University of the South with a double major and a minor.
Oh, and she’s moving to NYC in less than a month to be a full-time acting student.

But, more than anything, Karissa is a child of God who desires to be a vessel for Him, to love on and impact the world.

Karissa is a world-changer, no doubt, and I’m so thankful to have her in my life.

You can check out Karissa’s website here!

 

To all the performers out there, this is for you.

To all the “real people, not actors,” I’m thinking God’ll use this to touch you, too.

Karissa, you’re such an inspiration. Thank you for being you!

Karissa Wheeler

 

Quinnterested: What’s your dream?

Karissa: One of my biggest dreams is to go into this [entertainment industry] business and to be a light for the Lord…whether that’s in theatre/tv/film. You’re given talents and you’re supposed to use them.

 

 

Quinnterested: Why do you want to be a light?

Karissa: I think that, as Christians, we’re called to be light. And I think that everything is a ministry. You don’t have to be a preacher to minister to people. You don’t have to go to Bible college and get a degree in theology to be able to shepherd people to Christ.

My grandfather, who was a pastor, would always say, “Everything is a ministry.” Hearing him say that really stuck with me and made me open to any sort of career where I could be a light.

 

 

Quinnterested: How have you already pursued being a light in the industry?

Karissa: When I was choosing colleges, I wanted a place where I could grow as a performer and I also wanted a place where I could grow my faith, and grow emotionally, spiritually…all these facets of being me. Choosing the school that I chose gave me the opportunity to do that.
Even though I didn’t choose to go to the schools that focus solely on performing, I was still focusing on performing, but not just on performing. It was four formative years where the Lord showed me that my identity is in Him, and not in being an actor.

I’m reading this book right now–Rooted: The Hidden Places Where God Develops You, by Banning Liebscher. It’s about not rushing the process of growing and developing into…the God-given dream that you have.
That’s something I struggle with: trying to rush the process. The Lord is like, “Karissa, you need to take a step back, to take a deep breath, and you need to listen to what I’m saying and not jump the gun and do it all on your own, because I have a plan and your steps are ordered.”

 

 

Quinnterested: What’s your dream role?

Karissa: Eliza Doolittle in My Fair Lady.

 

 

Quinnterested: Has anyone ever discouraged you from pursuing your dreams?

Karissa: Yes…especially with careers in the arts, people are very discouraging…because it is a very hard business, and it is a business that doesn’t pay a lot all the time and it isn’t necessarily secure…But, when you know what you’re supposed to do and what the Lord has called you to do, you have to do it, no matter what anyone says.

Where He leads you, He will provide.

 

 

Quinnterested: What steps should someone take to pursue acting?

Karissa: Classes are a must. I was taking a master class, and [the teacher said], “I still take class every week.” Training is the base of what you’re going to do.

-Your body is your only instrument in this profession, so taking care of your body as your temple is also a must.

-Work ethic is huge. Somebody recently told me that, in the business, you can have talent, but, if you don’t have a work ethic, you’re not going to get anywhere. Drive is super important.

-Just [have] a love for art and storytelling and for sharing your character/story with the audience to invoke that empathy. And hopefully that storytelling will change how they’re viewing that situation, or even change the world!

-Trusting the Lord: I think faith is so important, SO important in this profession. I would not still be pursuing it if I didn’t have my faith. There’s no way. Being told “No” is something that you have to get used to in the business. If your identity is in the Lord, your identity is in being a daughter.

You’re going to be told how/who you should be, but you have to hold true to who you are in Christ and in who He’s called you to be.

 

 

Quinnterested: What would you say to someone who feels led to the arts but is scared to pursue it?

Karissa: There’s like a fire in me that knows that it has to burn and change the world! I have to! I have to!
If you have that, and you have a work ethic paired with it, and you feel God calling you to that [the arts], then those are the three things that should let you have peace in the decision. A lot of it is passion, but a lot of it is Him making a way for you, and trusting Him through the rejections and periods of no job.

It’s a trust thing, but you should definitely pursue it.

 

 

Quinnterested: What’s one thing you’re working on in yourself right now?

Karissa: Trusting that His timing and where I am right now is where I’m supposed to be, [and] working towards patience and peace in that. This season is weird. It’s not at all what I expected upon graduation.

I think the biggest thing I’ve had trouble with is that I want to be a world-changer…right now. But the Lord says, “No, this is a step and this is a step and this is a step.”

 

 

Quinnterested: Who’s your favorite Biblical character?

Karissa: Esther. Her story is a reminder that the Lord’s plan is one that is good, and that He took one person and changed the world through her obedience to Him!

 

 

 

. . .

 

Are we noticing a theme? I think yes. Karissa, God is already impacting the world through you, and I don’t see that stopping. You keep embracing the child of His that you are, and He’ll keep doing what only He can do. What a combination!

Karissa, thanks again for doing this interview!

Friends, please be praying for Karissa as she embarks on this new journey and follows where God leads her!

 

Honestly Mourning

Mourning

I used to think Mourning Doves were “Morning” Doves.

They seemed super cute and happy.

Aww, they come out in the morning to introduce everybody to a new day! Adorbs. Sunshine and rainbow sprinkles.

 

But…”mourning”? That like goes opposite on the “Yay” scale.

 

And that, in somewhat-dramatized essence, has been my approach to sadness from the beginning of my life until (and occasionally including) fairly recently.

 

Tbh, watching Inside Out definitely helped. Such a great movie.

 

But, so did reading John 11 today.

 

We’ve talked about Mary, the sister of Martha and Lazarus. She’s one of my favorite people in the Bible. Her purity and divine see-through-it-ness has captivated me for a while.

 

In John 11, her brother dies.

Keep in mind, this happens after Mary has used expensive perfume to anoint Jesus, prophetically hinting at His upcoming death.

 

So, it *almost* goes without saying that Mary knew a thing or two about Jesus. I feel like she’d been given a good glimpse of the vastness and unmatchability of His story and power. I bet there were a lot of God-whispers in her life that she fully heard, embraced, and obediently followed.

 

So, when Lazarus was sick and the sisters sent word to Jesus about it, I bet you Mary knew full well that Jesus, somehow, could totally heal her brother.

 

But Jesus didn’t come.

 

And Lazarus died.

 

And Mary mourned.

 

Mary didn’t shy away from expressing her sorrow at her brother’s death. No, a ton of family/friends actually came and mourned with the girls.

And, when Martha had finished greeting Jesus, who’d finally arrived 4 days after Lazarus had been laying, dead, in a tomb, Martha went back to Mary and told her that Jesus was asking for her.

 

And John 11 says that Mary “got up quickly and went to Him”.

 

Isn’t the inclusion of that adverb (that’s the “ly”-thing, for all of us who’ve been out of English I for a few years) interesting?

It becomes even more “Oh!”-esque when we continue reading in the next verse, which talks about how the people who’d been mourning with her thought she must’ve been going to the tomb to mourn there, since she got up so quickly.

So quickly.

 

My emphasis comes from a place of admiring Mary’s faith and her resolve to embrace the mourning, but also to embrace the truth of who Jesus was/is.

 

 

We will all go through/have gone through times of mourning. It might look different for each of us.

You could be mourning the loss of a person, a sin you’re embarrassed to have committed, a friendship no longer strong, a part of yourself you feel is no longer there because of the actions someone else took…the list goes on. Point is, mourning doesn’t just mean someone died and you’re crying about it.

 

When I’m mourning, say, a sin I extra-wish I hadn’t committed, am I really going quickly to Jesus to make things right?

 

And, am I rushing to Jesus when a very dear person in my life is not there anymore?

 

Sometimes the devil tries to step in and throw shame/guilt/confusion/hopelessness our way.
The one Person that we receive unequaled healing/grace/peace from is the One that the devil tries to steer us away from…

 

You don’t deserve it. When we stood guilty and undeserving of grace, Jesus died for us. He says we’re worth it.

 

You can’t be helped. Tell that to my God who raises people from the dead. (Oops, spoiler-alert)

 

…Don’t let him.

 

 

So, what does Mary do next?

 

She reaches Jesus, falls at His feet, and says (I bet she was actually cry-shouting),
“Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

 

No shame, no filter.

 

Just a broken, young one saying it how she knows it is.

 

And Jesus “was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.”

 

Mary knew He could do it. But she was still broken, eyes and nose sore from crying, and she told Him what she felt.

Mary was just really real with Jesus. And He didn’t yell at her for that. He saw her precious heart, and He met her where she was, in her faith and trauma and all the nasty, sad stuff.
Actually, her honesty nudged Jesus to tears. Literally, Jesus wept. (According to the shortest verse of the Bible. #Bibletrivia)

 

Thankfully, Mary’s story doesn’t end there.

Jesus, still probably pretty emotional, goes to Lazarus’ tomb and loudly proclaims, “Lazarus, come out!” And, sure enough, out walks a previously-dead man, still wrapped in his grave clothes.

 

And a dead man is no longer dead, because of Jesus.

 

As a result, many Jews believed in Jesus. Because, um, he just brought a dead person back to life.

If Lazarus had been sick and Jesus had hurried back to Mary and Martha’s house to whip out a quick Hello Kitty bandaid and kiss his bloody knee (*slight* misinterpretation of “sick” here), would the people have believed? Maybe some. But, as many as believed after he did something they’d surely never seen before? I think not.

 

 

 

So, whatever reason you’re mourning for, whether it’s something you did or not (those are very different, p.s., and I don’t say that lightly), let’s both learn from Mary and embrace the mourning, be honest with the Dead-Raiser, and keep the faith that He is who He says He is.

 

The mourning won’t last.

 

Go to Jesus in prayer. Quickly. I don’t know what He’s going to do about it, but He knows about it. And He’s got this. (His actions literally defied death on multiple occasions…you’re in the right Hands: the Hands that shaped the universe and the people who live in it.)

Dream Big: A Chat w/ Hannah Sellars

Dream

This week’s interviewee is Hannah Sellars.

Hannah and I have been friends for around…5?…years (math is hard), and, earlier this month, she moved to YWAM’s (Youth With A Mission’s) Kansas City branch to work with students at the base.
Hannah has been involved with YWAM for a few years now, and I’ve been blessed to see her grow a ton! She is bravely willing to speak truth in love and has a beautiful relationship with Jesus.

Let’s all be more like Hannah.

She also dropped some major truth bombs throughout our interview, so put on your inspiration glasses (what?), and let’s GO!

Hannah
Hannah teaching in Tanzania

Quinnterested: What’s your dream?

Hannah: One of the dreams I’ve had is to be a missionary. That’s something that started when I was a little girl, and something that I’ve never really felt qualified to do. And so, up until this point, I just didn’t think I’d be good at it, so I didn’t do it.

In 2017, during DTS (Discipleship Training School) at YWAM (Youth With A Mission), someone said: “God didn’t call the qualified, He qualified the called,” and that really put things into perspective for me; That it wasn’t so much about me actually being qualified to do it, but about me having the desire to say yes to the Lord and His plan for my life.

 

Quinnterested: What does being a missionary mean to you?

Hannah: Being a missionary means that I am sharing about God’s love everywhere I go. It doesn’t always mean saying Jesus’ Name or talking about God. It’s just that I’m always loving like God would, and sharing His love with other people.

 

Quinnterested: Has anyone ever discouraged you from pursuing your dreams?

Hannah: A little bit, especially with long-term planning. At first, my dad was really nervous about me being at YWAM, because he didn’t want my needs to not be met. But, as the year went on, he started to see the Lord provide. He is still nervous at times, but not as nervous, because God keeps following through on His promises. As a whole, my family is very supportive, but I know that there are some concerns about long-term plans and if I will have everything I need, being in missions. I have the same concerns, but I’ve seen the Lord provide in ways that I’ve never seen Him before, because of the needs that I have.

 

Quinnterested: What would you say to someone who’s afraid of pursing their dream?

Hannah: I would say go in fear. And what I mean by that is just don’t be afraid to pursue your dreams even when you’re afraid. Even if you’re terrified, you’re still growing even while you’re doing it.

 

Quinnterested: How does your faith help you be fearless?

Hannah: Getting into the Word and really proclaiming the truth about what God says about you has been really powerful.

 

Quinnterested: What’s one thing you hope you learn in this next season of pursuing your dream?

Hannah: I want to get better at friendship. and pursuing other people above the goal/task/whatever else is going on.

 

Quinnterested: Is there anything else you’d like to add?

Hannah: I tend to be a goal-oriented person, instead of a people-person…my mind works in to-do lists, and it’s hard to measure people’s progress in checklists. I want to keep learning how to love them in the way that they need, and not so much in the way I need.

 

Say again, please?

I want to keep learning how to love them in the way that they need, and not so much in the way I need.

Don’t we all?

 

 

Thank you, Hannah, for doing this interview with me!

Friends, please commit to praying for Hannah as she embarks on this new, exciting time of her life! As a friend at church pointed out the other day, “We know a real missionary!” 🙂